humor me
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Goodwill Jingle
Wha'cha gon' do with all that junkAll that junk inside your trunk?
I'm gon' g-g-give it up
Give it all up to Goodwill
Wha'cha gon' do with all those clothes
All those clothes up in your room?
I'm gon' d-d-donate them
Donate them to Goodwill too
Wha'cha gon' do with those receipts
Those receipts they gave to you?
I'm gon' p-p-put them in
Put them in a safe place so I can write them off on my taxes. See, the government offers incentives to encourage people to give generously to organizations like Goodwill. And as you know, it's always been my personal philosophy to lead by example. So please don't think I only make charitable donations for the tax benefits. That simply isn't true.
She's got me spendin'
Thursday, April 12, 2007
How to Dress for a Radio Show
Popped collar and Stetson hat
I don't really care about what's going on with Don Imus, but I'm glad MSNBC dropped his show. Frankly, I was getting a little tired of turning on the TV in the morning and seeing this pile of sand and leather mumbling about incontinence or whatever 95 year old guys complain about...
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Daylight Savings: Mini Y2K?
Will daylight savings 2007 be a mini Y2K? I sure hope not. Remember how catastrophic Y2K was? Airplanes fell from the sky, nuclear missiles automatically launched, lives were ruined.Wednesday, February 28, 2007
The Coward's Survival Guide
The two most important things to remember during a fire:1) Children are weak.
2) Women are slow.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Your Grandpa Guest Hosts "$40 a Day"
Welcome to $40 a Day. I'm your guest host and also, I'm your grandfather. Now shut up and respect your elders! I have $40 to spend on food 'n some other crap. The car's already warmed up so let's get going.Breakfast: Your uncle Joe's diner.
Oatmeal ................. $1.50
Coffee .................... $0.50Senior Discount .... -$0.30
Tax ........................ $0.10
Tip ........................ $0.00Total ...................... $1.80
Lunch: That new place on Elm.
All right, I have $33.97 left. That sandwich was a little dry, so I'm gonna take three pennies from the tray next to the register to even things up. Now shut up and respect your elders!Tuna Fish .............. $2.95
Cranberry Juice ..... $1.75Senior Discount .... -$0.71
Tax ........................ $0.24
Tip ........................ $0.00Total ...................... $4.23
Dinner: Kountry Kitchen
I still have $28.15 left over...Salisbury Steak ...... $5.95
Coffee .................... $0.55 (Outrageous!)Senior Discount .... -$0.98
Tax ........................ $0.33
Tip ........................ $0.00Total ..................... $5.85
Jack Daniel's ......... $25.99
Tax ....................... $1.56Total ..................... $27.55
[2 hours later]
Heeeeyyyy! What are you still doing here?! Get out! Get out or I'll hit ya like a woman! Ya hear me?! I'M YOUR ELDER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY KILLS I HAD IN THE WAR?! SHUT UP! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! GET OUTTA HERE! RESPECT! RESPECT!Monday, February 26, 2007
I'm on CollegeHumor.com!
http://collegehumor.com/update:1720380It's an old post from this site, but I think it's still pretty cool.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
A 70 year old woman uses an ATM for the first time.
Hello? Is anybody in there? I would like some money please. I'll take a couple lottery tickets, too. Hello? Does this thing take coupons?Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I Interview a Bum
Me: Hi there. Are you homeless?Homeless Man: Nazi torpedoooooo!
Me: Oh good, you're crazy. Can I interview you?
Homeless Man: Peanut butter.
Me: Sounds great... What's your name?
Homeless Man: I'm on fire!
Me: I'm going to call you Merle.
Merle: *blinks eyes independently like a lizard*
Me: Alrighty then. How old are you Merle?
Merle: You got a nickel?
Me: No, sorry. No nickels.
Merle: I got a nickel! I'm a nickel. Nickel, nickel, nickel GOOSE! Duck. Ducky. Duck-bee. Arby's. Bees? BEES?! AAARRRGGGG!! *runs away*
Me: I declare this a success.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
To Bill Brasky!
Let's take a moment to salute Bill Brasky.Bill Brasky's digestive system has produced some of the finest diamonds this world has ever seen... To Bill Brasky!
Bill Brasky uses Tapatio hot sauce both as a cologne and a contact solution... To Bill Brasky!Bill Brasky garnishes his margaritas with stem cells... To Bill Brasky!
Bill Brasky's father was Paul Bunyan, his mother was a Komodo dragon, and his grandparents were cinder blocks... To Bill Brasky!
Bill Brasky was born on a fighter jet. He cut his own umbilical cord, strapped on some Wolverine boots, lit a cigar, and landed that bird... To Bill Brasky!
That's all I have for now. More to come. Probably.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Person of the Year: You (me)
Well, I finally did it... I'm TIME Magazine's Person of the Year. I know, I can't believe it either. I mean yes, I did nominate myself like a hundred times, but as a joke! And now I've actually won!
You may be wondering why my picture isn't on the cover. Apparently TIME didn't like the test photos they took and the one I sent them wasn't "appropriate", so they went with this one. Bummer.
Update: "Time Magazine's 2006 Person of the Year" looks great on my resume.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Jim Rome visits the doctor's office.
Jim Rome visits the doctor's office.
Jim: Jim Rome is burning.Dr: I told you yesterday Jim, you have gonorrhea.Jim: Phenomenal.
I feel kind of bad for writing about this.
Governor Jeb Bush has suspended all executions in Florida after a botched 34 minute execution. The initial injection missed the vein and a second dose had to be administered. Below are the events that took place as written by me.... Read the real story here.(00:00)
Executioner: All right, sit back and relax. The whole process should take 15 minutes or so, but you won't feel a thing. Here we go.(00:45)
Executioner: OK, just give me a minute to find that vein. Third time's a charm.(02:10)
Prison Officer: Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Executioner: Shut up! All right? Just zip it!(03:17)
Executioner: YES! GOT IT! Er... I mean... The injection has been made.
Prison Officer: Good. Let's speed this thing up. I wanna catch the second half of 30 Rock.(15:00)
Prison Officer: Yeah, so why isn't this guy dead yet?
Executioner: Shut up. Give it time.
Prison Officer: I think you missed the vein, Doc. His arm is pretty swelled up.
Executioner: Shut up! I know what I'm doing.(16:50)
Prison Officer: You want me to hit him with my shoe?
Executioner: No, I don't want you to hit him with your shoe. Just give it a little more time.
Prison Officer: You sure?
Executioner: Shut up.
Prison Officer: He looks like he's still alive from where I'm standing.
Executioner: Are you gonna shut up or not?
Prison Officer: I'm just going to hit him once with my shoe and we'll see what happens.(18:05)
Executioner: I don't understand why it's taking so long. I'm going to give him another shot.(34:00)
Executioner: 34 minutes. Wow, I'm in trouble.
Prison Officer: Ah, don't worry about it. This guy waited 27 years on death row. 34 minutes is nothin'. I'm sure no one will notice.
Executioner: I hope you're right.
Prison Officer: Crap, I missed 30 Rock.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
3rd Frame Garfield
New project: 3rd Frame Garfield. Let's face it, the first two frames are just filler. Jim Davis focuses all of his creative power on the third frame. He even said once in an interview, "I have interns draw the first two frames." All right, maybe he didn't say that. But I did. Enjoy.
Garfield becomes nasally insecure due to his lack of understanding of convex reflective surfaces.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
On November 19th, I slapped together two photos in MS Paint while microwaving a burrito and released it into the world. The picture, not the burrito. I ate that.
That's Chris Hansen from Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" on the left and The Predator from the movie "Predator" on the right.
Today is December 5th and what a surprise... I've been ripped off! Not only that, but the person who ripped me off took the time to animate an episode and edit it with actual audio from the show. This Matt guy skillfully brought my idea to life with plot and humor. HOW DARE HE!
I want money.
Friday, December 01, 2006
The Other Stuff
How can I link my other blog to this one without being lame?Maybe you should write something funny about it.
I tried and I failed.
You suck at life.
Shut up, I'm being cereal.
You do know you said cereal instead of serious, right?
Yeah, totally.
You don't know the difference, do you?
Just tell me what to do.
Say poop.
Poop.
I've lost all respect for you.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Garfield Explained
The first two frames of this strip purposely lead you to believe that Garfield is gazing wistfully out the window. But an out of body experience in the last frame reveals that you are a cookie in a raging hot oven being gluttonously ogled by a house cat.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Garfield Explained
Today's Garfield: Jon imagines his "girlfriend" in sexy lingerie and experiences a mysterious loss of blood to his brain...
Rated PG13
By a show of bills, how sorry are you?
The targets of Michael Richards' racial outburst are publicly asking for -- wait for it -- money.
I've suddenly stopped caring about all of this.
Monday, November 27, 2006
A place where the inspired, uninspired, and neutrally-spired come together.
Me
Hi, my name is Thomas and I'm 22 years old. I grew up in Crawfordsville, Indiana. I now live in Louisville, Kentucky.My Links
Previous Posts
- Paczki
- Goodwill Jingle
- How to Dress for a Radio Show
- Daylight Savings: Mini Y2K?
- The Coward's Survival Guide
- Your Grandpa Guest Hosts "$40 a Day"
- I'm on CollegeHumor.com!
- A 70 year old woman uses an ATM for the first time...
- I Interview a Bum
- To Bill Brasky!
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Contact
Email AIM: staticshout
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